Fifty Shades of Drugs
by downWiththeFiction
Summary: I wasn't fooled. I knew every single day, that my mom would not be proud of who I had become. When I had nowhere else to go, Travis and his crew had given me a purpose. I was constantly high, constantly craving, and constantly making money. I thought this was the life. I had nothing to live for except my crew, parties, getting high and selling drugs. Until I met her.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One:

I feel myself start to become coherent, when a bright beam of afternoon sunlight shines directly across my face. At first, I don't want to open my eyes. I am groggy, and stuck in that place between dreams and reality. It is dark here, safe, and warm. This space is all my own. There is no such thing as dead parents. No responsibilities, no unpaid debts. No one kissing my ass, so that I can in turn kiss someone's ass to keep a roof over my head and food in my stomach. At least… when I'm not high.

I know the number one rule is not to use from your own supply, but sometimes, I can't help myself. I get stressed, and broke. I always tell myself _it's just one hit_ , but ultimately it is never _just_ one. Hell, I have to somehow push myself to write papers that are due, and how the hell am I supposed to keep my image up if I'm sleeping instead of partying with potential buyers.

Yeah sure, the long term effects of crank are pretty fucking disastrous, but at least I'm skinny, and can last forever in bed. The ladies like it, and in turn my suppliers up my cut of the profits because I'm constantly on the go. I hit up every single ratchet party I hear about. Granted, I'm not always invited, but people out there know my face. If they want drugs, I have an arsenal.

It's funny, before my mom was murdered, I thought school was hard. I thought it was difficult getting up for classes at NYU. I thought I was struggling with writing my papers, studying, keeping my love life on the go, and having a social life with the boys. Now, I'm one of the most well-known dealers in Manhattan. Life has a way of giving you everything, and you take it for granted every single fucking day, until it's ripped from your world by a single bullet to the brain.

My mom, Laura Grey, was a prominent defense attorney in Manhattan. She got knocked up with me when she was attending Harvard Law. I never met my deadbeat father, but hey, that's how the world seems to work lately. Men deal out their sperm and then sign away their parental rights without even batting a steel-grey eye. At least, mine did. It didn't matter though, my mom was superwoman. She worked long hours and was able to provide us with a kickass townhouse and as a bonus, I was spoiled. I guess she wanted to make up for whatever daddy dearest wasn't providing. I took her for granted. I took everything for granted that year.

I was in my second year of business administration at NYU when my mother was murdered. It was a sunny Friday afternoon in October. The weather was warm and after my last class of the day, I took my girl at the time, out to a movie and then ended up running into a buddy of mine when I was walking home. The only thing on my mind was my research paper that was due on Monday and how much I wanted to bang Melissa, or whatever her name was.

" _Hey, Christian!" I heard a voice yell my name from across the street._

 _I recognized the voice of my friend from my required English class, so I stopped walking and waited for him to quickly run across the street to me. "Yo, Stephen. Sup bud?"_

" _I was just heading over to Pete's to grab a couple of beers with a few buds of mine. Wanna come?"_

 _My first thought was about that paper I had to write, I told myself that it could probably wait until tomorrow. Then, for a fleeting second, I thought about my mom. Would she have supper made? Would she care where I was?_

 _I vaguely remembered her saying something about a big meeting with a potential client that she was going to. Was that tonight, or some other night? In any case I decided that it would be responsible of me to call and at least leave her a message on her cell phone._

 _Of course, I got her answering machine: "Hello, you've reached Laura Grey. I'm either busy with a client or in the court room. If this is an emergency, please call 212-734-5596. Thank you."_

I left her a message letting her know that I was going out to Pete's, a bar a few blocks away from our townhouse, and would be late getting home. If I would have known that was the last time I would ever hear her voice, maybe I would have paid more attention to her words during breakfast that morning, maybe I would have tried to call her again. Maybe, I wouldn't have ignored the awful feeling in my gut. If I hadn't, maybe I would have gone straight home and gotten there in time to save her life.

I wouldn't have smelled the unmistakable iron scent that massive amounts of blood tend to give off after sitting out in a warm environment for a few hours. I wouldn't have felt warm tears free falling down my cheeks and filling my mouth with salty despair. I wouldn't have held my mom's cold, lifeless body to my chest and screamed so loud that our neighbours called the cops.

Unfortunately, the maybes in life don't change the truth. The fact is that sometimes bad things happen for no reason. Or maybe they happen to teach us something valuable. You know, natural disasters happen to bring communities, hell, even _the world_ together. Grandparents die to bring families together in a time of memory and mourning. Sometimes, priests molest little boys and the world quickly learns that not even religion can change bad people.

I don't know why my mom had to die. If there is a lesson to be learned in finding your mom lying in the kitchen, soaking in a puddle of her own blood, I have yet to find it. The police said it was a random act of violence, possibly from some crime family she fucked over in her career. That explanation did nothing what's so ever to fix the way my heart shrivelled up and blackened.

Whatever the reason, my mom was gone, and after a few months of trying, I learned that I couldn't go to school, and still work full time. There was no way I could afford to keep the house I grew up in. What was the point? My mom was dead. I had no one.

So I sold the townhouse and most of the furniture in it. I made enough money to pay for most of my classes and to buy a small loft for myself. It wasn't much, but it was enough to keep a roof over my head. I kept pushing so hard, trying to convince myself that everything was okay.

I went to my classes, did my assignments, and worked part-time at a nearby Starbucks. I threw myself into my classes, telling myself that it's what my mom would want. I did my best to keep up appearances, but I didn't talk much. I couldn't. If I let myself think about my mother and the way she smiled, or laughed, or how she still said "I love you", even when she was royally pissed at me, I would cry like a little five year old.

Eventually, my silence caused me to become depressed, and irritable. I stopped seeing my friends, and started ignoring all of the calls from my clingy girlfriend at the time. They thought they were helping me. They said I needed to _just get over it._ Fuck them. How is a person supposed to get over the fact that they were too busy being selfish, out with friends, while their mother was being murdered? Did I blame myself? Yeah, I guess I couldn't help it.

I stopped going to my classes regularly, and my grades started slipping. I partied all night and barely made it into work on time. I was turning into a wreck, a shattered mess of what I once was. I had fallen into a hole, with no way out. I was too tired to go to classes, but too lonely to stay home and sleep so I could get any work done.

I constantly stared at the ceiling fan, I bought rope, and learned how to make a really good hangman's noose. I once filled the bathtub up and got in, but I couldn't bring myself to drop the toaster into the water. I had no will to live, but wasn't ready to die. That's when I met Travis. He ultimately saved my life and destroyed it all at the same time.

I groaned and rolled over, I could feel a migraine starting at the base of my skull and I tasted blood under my tongue. I could feel tears starting to run down my face. I tried to push away the memories of my recent past, but I couldn't shake the guilt, the fear, and the sickening feeling that was starting to manifest in the pit of my stomach. I was going through withdrawal.

This was a daily occurrence for me. I would shoot up enough heroin to fall low enough to sleep. Then I would wake up and pop a few Adderall to get me through my classes. The Adderall would keep me focused just enough to study and write my assignments. Then, when the night fell and my phone started blowing up with buyers wanted their stashes replenished, I would chase the dragon and get to work. Nothing like a crank high to keep you going all night long.

I wasn't fooled. I knew every single day when my sorry ass was lucky enough to wake up, that my mother would definitely not be proud of who I had become. She would hate my worthless bones. I had nowhere else to go though. This had turned into my life. Travis and his crew had given me a purpose, a shitty one, but a reason to keep moving forward none the less.

I was constantly high, constantly craving, and constantly making money. I thought this was the life, I had nothing to live for except my crew, getting high and selling drugs. Until I met _her_.


	2. Chapter 2

_New York City, please go easy on me tonight..._

Chapter Two:

It felt like my head had just hit the pillow, when my alarm started blaring in my ear. A groan started to rumble deep in my throat, but I quickly cut that shit out when it caused my brain to pound against my skull.

"Fuck…" My voice sounds hoarse and my throat feels dryer than the Sahara Desert. I blindly reach for my alarm clock, violently slamming the top of it, until I successfully hit the snooze button.

I sigh loudly and plop back down on my pillows. I was just drifting off into the sweet darkness of a dreamless sleep when I hear a soft sigh beside me. A warm arm drapes over my bare chest and a knot of perfectly highlighted blond hair falls onto my arm _Oh, shit._

 _Please don't be naked_ I think before I gently lift up the blankets.

My brain scrambles to figure out why there is a hot, and otherwise unclothed, woman in my bed. I carefully brush her hair back from her face. She's pretty fucking gorgeous. Legs for miles- all smooth creamy skin, smudged eyeliner and pouty fuck-me lips. This was one babe who was definitely not someone that I would usually hook up with. No, this chick looked like she had the confidence to cut my balls off if I said that I didn't want any strings. _SHIT._ Who is she? What the hell is she doing here, _what the fuck happened last night?_

My phone buzzes, I slowly untangle myself from a set of perfectly tanned and toned limbs, and carefully dodging various items strewn across my bedroom floor. A pair of sheer black lace underwear, and matching bra, a bong, my favorite hat and… _handcuffs? WHAT THE FUCK._

I swallow the lump of panic that starts to bubble up in my throat as I reach for my phone. At least my drunken persona was smart enough to plug the fucking thing in last night. There were a couple text messages from different people asking me when I could deliver to them. There were also a couple of snap chats sent to me by various people. A few from a new contact. _Elena._

I looked at the pictures, curious, only to see the face of the beautiful blond that is currently sleeping in my bed. We were in various stages of undress. Her tongue down my throat and my hands in places that I never would have expected, considering I didn't know her from a hole in the ground. _That's not usually my style._ I winced. _Or so I had thought._

My phone buzzes in my hand, almost shit myself, but it's only an incoming text from Travis. He informs me that the party went down as a success last night, and I owe him for setting my sorry ass up with Elena. The memories start to come back to me in pieces. Slowly at first, and then faster like a growing wave before it crashes onto the shore.

 _Travis had called me at around ten, I could tell by the way he slurred his words, that he was already fucked out of his mind._

" _Yo, Chris. Come chill with me and the crew. This party could use some substance if you know what I mean, bro." He hiccupped a few times and stumbled over consonants like a three year old._

" _Travis, man. You know I hate it when you fuckin' call me that." I snapped back._

" _Oh, guess someone's too fucking good to come spend some time with his crew." I hear a lot of snickering and catcalls in the background. I start to shake with rage as he keeps going on with his speech, "Dude, seriously. There's some pretty hot chicks over here. One girl in particular, man." He wolf whistles. "She's just your type."_

" _Look, you know I don't do the whole girl thing, Trav." I sigh._ Only when I'm lonely and reckless _. I've never taken a number though. I'm strictly a bag em' and leave em' kind of dude._

" _Whatever man. Get your ass over here." He didn't stutter, or even slur his words. He sounded serious and deadly. I knew it was no longer a request, but an order. No one said no to Trav when he talked like that._

" _Okay, Trav. I'll bring the substance. Text me the address. I'll be there in thirty." I keep my voice level, trying to appease his temper._

It took me exactly thirty minutes to shit, shower and shave before I ended up in a neighborhood that wasn't too far from my apartment. My first thought was that it would make walking home easier, after I no doubt was forced to be _social_ with Travis. I had walked up to the door, nodded at Benny – our designated lookout – and walked inside. There were a lot of things that happened after that, the details are definitely fuzzy but, I do remember taking a lot of pills, smoking a lot of weed (and God knows what else), and drinking my stupid face off. It's a fucking miracle I didn't end up with alcohol poisoning – or worse.

I shake my head and pull myself out of the play-by-play. At least I hadn't taken a big enough cocktail that it had erased my memory. My only question was, did it erase Elena's?

 _Travis had handed me a beer after we did a few lines in the bathroom, "There's someone I want you to meet bro." He smiled a coked out smile at me, and it should have creeped me out, but I was flying and nothing could wreck my solid mood._

 _I smiled right back (probably looked as coked out as he did) and I told him to take me to this chick. That earned me a punch in my right arm. "Don't call her that man. Look, can I be honest with you?" He looks paranoid as he says those words._

" _Sure Trav, what's up?" Even considering my current state at the time, I could tell he was going to lay some hard core deep shit on me._

" _You're like a brother to me, you know that, right?" He looks scared. I've seen Travis go through a lot of emotions, but I had never seen him scared. I fought the bad trip that was beginning to barrel towards me like an unattended freight train._

" _Yeah man," I swallowed. "I know. You saved me, took me off the streets and gave me a family." I clap him on the back._

" _Good. I want you to know that I trust you with my life, Chris." He looks me dead in the eyes and for the first time I wonder if there's something deeper going on here._ Is he in trouble with the Cartels? His suppliers? What?

" _I know that, and I trust you too man." I smirk at him, trying to lighten the mood. I hate talking about my past. It makes me feel like I owe Travis._

" _Good." He guides me through the kitchen and out to the back porch area where people are dancing to the DJ's music, swimming in the gigantic pool, or sitting by a roaring bonfire. We walk over to the Jacuzzi where a small group of girls are sitting, holding bottles of Corona with their perfectly manicured hands. "There's someone I want you to meet and hopefully look out for when I can't. She's been through a lot and I can't think of a better dude to keep her safe."_

 _One of the girls turns around to face us when she hears Trav's voice. I don't know if it's because I'm hopped up on coke, or if it's the alcohol coursing through my blood stream, but something about the way this girls piercing blue eyes that make me feel like I've just set eyes on an Angel. Fuck, it could have been how good her tits looked in that black lace bikini._

" _Hi, Trav." She says, the words seem to drip from her perfectly white teeth and onto her pouty red lips. All I wanted to do was lick them to see if they tasted like honey. She glides across the deck towards us (in retrospect, she probably didn't actually glide, but I was high out of my fucking mind and she was gorgeous). "Who's this?" The question is directed at Travis, but her eyes never leave my eyes._

" _This, little sister, is Christian." I choke on my beer and Travis claps me on the back. "Jesus man, slow down. I need to around to keep an eye on this one. She's feisty." He winks at me and walks away, leaving me staring after him like a fucking prick._

" _Earth to Christian," A warm hand touches my bicep, and I flip my head back around, only to find that I am two inches away from my crew-leader's baby sister who just happens to look like a Greek Goddess._ Fuck.

" _What? I-I sorry." I stutter like an idiot thirteen year old boy._

" _I said, do you have any of that coke left that you're so obviously tripping on? Trav thinks he's my dad or something and won't let me have any. He thinks he's trying to save me or some shit, little does he know, my eternal soul is already damned." She rolls her baby blues sky-ward and flips her long blond hair over one shoulder._

" _Well… I do, but I don't really feel like getting my balls cut off tonight." I don't flinch when she stares me down. I can handle a spoiled brat._

" _Fine, but you're missing out. Coke makes me horny." She licks those luscious lips and stares at my junk._

" _You're a witch. No one should look that sexy while asking me for something I actually can't give you. Travis would kill me if I fucked his sister."_

" _Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn, and caldron bubble." She snickers. "Who said anything about fucking?" She tilts her head to the side._

" _Don't quote Macbeth to me and then pretend like you're not trying to get me to sleep with you." My temper is beginning to flare up, it's time for me to quickly make my rounds and leave before I do something stupid._ Like fucking my best friend's little sister.

 _It takes me twenty minutes to mostly sell what I have on me. I end up scoring around four grand after I stop in and give Trav his cut. I say a quick goodbye after he asks about Elena. I tell him that she obviously wasn't interested in getting to know me because she went back to her friends. He clapped me on the back and told me to have a good night, but not before giving me a warning, "You watch out for her Christian. She's a pain in the ass but she's the only family I have left man. I need her away from all this shit."_

 _I'm not sure how to deal with that – how to process it. Travis doesn't talk about his family or the business, so I just nod and clap him on the back before I make my way out of the house and into the cool night air._

 _I check my phone and see that it's after two in the morning and debate calling a cab. I decide against it when I realize how buzzed I am. The cool night air might help clear my head so I can get a few hours' sleep before running to class later. I set a brisk pace and head in the direction of my apartment._

 _I am just pulling out my headphones to drown out the barking dogs, the far away sounds of sirens and fighting spouses, when I hear footsteps running up behind me. My hand reaches into my pocket, griping the handle of my switchblade, I turn around and find myself face to face with Elena._

" _What the fuck are you doing?" My voice is low and menacing._

 _She had changed out of her skimpy bikini in favor of ripped jean shorts and a white tank top. Of course the white looked amazing against her tanned skin fuck, the black bra she was wearing definitely kicked my heart rate up._

" _I just thought that-"_

" _Elena, I am not giving coke to some sixteen year old girl. Back the fuck off." My voice comes out from in between my teeth. I know she's older than sixteen, I just want to hit a nerve so she can piss the fuck off. Instead of getting all pouty, she squares her shoulders and puts her hands on her hips._

" _For your information, I am twenty-two, therefore I am of legal age and can do whatever the fuck I want. I also came to find you because I thought you were interesting." She glares me down._

" _Oh? I'm_ interesting _to you huh? You've never met a drug dealer before? Or is this just some stupid stunt to prove something to your brother?" My hands clench into fists and I am breathing hard._

" _You know my brother right?" She snickers, "Of course I've met drug dealers." She takes another step closer to me, "I think you're interesting because no one has ever called me on quoting Shakespeare before. I think you're different."_

 _I step back. "Any fool could recognise Shakespeare. I'm not doing this with you, Elena. Go find yourself another crew toy." I am seeing red and spiting anger at her. Unbelievably this girl doesn't back away from me. In fact, she walks right up to me and puts a hand over my heart._

" _What happened to you to make you so cruel?" She looks deep into my eyes and I see it. She's flying on coke too, I don't know how I didn't notice it sooner. She's leaning towards me on her tippy toes before I can stop her. Her kiss is soft, sweet like honey, and so fucking sexy. She can't help but notice my reaction._

" _Christian? Take me away from here." My rational brain deserts me and I find myself thinking with the smaller of my two heads. I know it's probably the drugs, but I feel some sort of pull towards Elena. I'll probably regret it in the morning, but for right now, I just want to take her home and feel the warmth of her silky skin under my hands. I want to lick and taste every inch of her until I make her scream._

 _And that's just what I do. Over and over._

I stare down at Elena. She's beautiful, and amazing in bed. She's my best friend's little sister. How the fuck am I going to tell him what I did without him wanting to kill me? I sit down on the end of the bed and rake my hands through my hair.

"Simple." I look up into the ocean blue eyes of my living angel.

"Shit. I'm sorry I woke you." I scramble to stand up, as she gets on her knees and kneels on the bed in front of me. The movement causes the send of her coconut body lotion to surround me, making me want her again.

"It's okay, I've been awake since you left the bed. It was cold." She smiles at me. "What were you thinking about?"

I sigh, "I was thinking about how to tell Trav about this whole situation." I gesture towards the messed up sheets, "without him wanting to murder me cold blooded."

"Shhh," She reaches out, slowly like she's comforting an abused animal, "we aren't going to tell him." She reaches down and yanks down my boxers before gracefully climbing off the bed, her eyes never leaving mine, like a cat stalking its prey. She gets on her knees in front of me, taking my most prized possession in her hand. "You and I are going to be each other's dirty little secrets." She smirks before she puts her mouth on me.

Looking back on it, I guess I always had a feeling that Elena was always more Devil than life saving Angel.


	3. Chapter 3

_"I thought you were a hurricane_  
 _Turns out you were the summer rain"_

Chapter Three

"Mom!" I call down the stairs. I'm raking a brush through my dark brown hair and rushing to apply the slightest hint of lip-gloss and a bit of mascara. I would be out the door already if I could just find my lucky leather jacket. It's my first official day living in New York City, and my first day attending classes at NYU, and… I'm running late. _Go Figure._

Thank god mothers have this knack for reading their child's thoughts. "I left it hanging on your hook by the front door, Ana!" My mother, Carla, calls up to me.

I grab my favorite vanilla scented perfume and spritz it on my neck before grabbing my laptop bag and notebook. I rush out of my room and down the stairs, almost falling on my face before grabbing the banister and righting myself. _Such a klutz…_

"Ana, honey. I made your favorite breakfast." The smell of maple syrup and warm fluffy pancakes fills my senses.

I pop my head into the kitchen to see Carla's unruly, and almost un-tameable curly hair in a messy bun, and flour on her cheek. She gestures at me with her spatula, "You need to eat, Hon."

"Mom, no time for breakfast. I'm so late." I feel a little guilty when she gives me that _disappointed-in-you_ look. "I'll take a granola bar and a banana though." I shove the previously mentioned items in my bag. "Besides mom, you know I'll eat that cold for supper later." She smirks at me as I kiss her cheek.

"Good luck! She calls after me as I head out the front door."

 _….._

 _I'm so overwhelmed._ NYC is a lot bigger than any city I've ever encountered before. All the traffic – pedestrian and vehicular – is making me feel crowded, and lost. My heart is beating loudly in my chest and my hands are beginning to feel cold and clammy. _Not a good time for an anxiety attack, Ana. Pull yourself together._

It is a clear September day, the leaves on the trees are wonderful colors, and the air is fresh and slightly chilly. I am slightly out of breath as the huge campus comes into view. I take a deep breath and try to slow my wildly beating heart.

 _Looks like its go time Ana_. I readjust my bag on my shoulder and hug my favorite leather jacket a little closer.

I've just made it to the building where my first class, Psychology, is being held. I consult my classes again to see which room to rush into, and _lucky_ for me, I manage to trip on one of the stone steps leading up to the door.

I don't know what's worse, the fact that everyone in the nearby vicinity just saw me fall flat on my butt, or that I fell at the feet of some wannabe _Calvin Klein_ model. _What a great first impression Ana…_

"Whoa, careful there." He bends his knees down to my height and stares into my eyes with his gorgeous grey ones. "First day on new legs?" He smirks at me and I think my heart stops. He has perfect teeth and one barely-there dimple that does strange things to my heart. My lips move, but I can't speak.

The wannabe model leans in closer to me, looking worried and examining my face carefully. He looks so concerned and he smells heavenly, like the hot summer air when rainfall is finally on the way; like a forest in the spring just after the snow melts; and somehow just like walking into a bakery in the winter right before Christmas.

"Are you okay? I don't think you hit your head, but I'm not so sure now. Are you dizzy? Have you eaten anything today? Can you move your arms – your legs?" He reaches out as if to touch my face and then quickly pulls his hand away like I might burn him.

Something about the way he is fussing over me snaps me out of my paralysis. I push him away gently, being careful not to touch is skin. "I-I…" I clear my throat quickly, embarrassed that I can't even choke out a simple sentence. "I'm okay. I'm sorry I'm such a klutz." I feel face heating up slightly. "I'm sorry if I made you late for class." I look down at my fingers twisting in my lap.

He looks into my eyes as smirks again. I am struck by the beautiful _depth_ of his grey eyes, something tells me that he hasn't lived on the side of the fence where the grass is always greener. "It's okay, I just had Psychology anyway. I take it you were supposed to be heading there too?" He grabs one of my papers and stands, offering me his other hand. _What a_ gentleman _…_

"How did you know?" I hesitate before letting him help me up. _Who needs another damn stalker anyway?_

"I saw that we have the same class." His voice is devoid of any emotion, but his eyes hold what I think is annoyance, at my reaction. "I saw it on your class schedule after you tripped at my feet." He looks at me out of the corner of his eye, it's a look that tells me he can be quite nasty when someone manages to piss him off. There's also something else in that look… Self-loathing?

I take his hand and he pulls me effortlessly to my feet. "I think you'll be late for the rest of your first class, Anastasia Steel, but you'll probably be right on time for your Victorian Literature class. That is, as long as you don't feel the need to fall at anyone else's feet." My mouth is gaping open. _How did he know my_ name _?_

My heart races and I can feel my pulse in my throat as the Calvin Klein model keeps speaking with an ease in which someone speaks to someone they have known for years and not a mere five minutes. "If you head down east to that building over there," He points to one of the many identical stone looking buildings, "You can't miss your next class. It's on the first floor. It will be the room to your left at the very end of the hallway."

My lips move, but for the second time since falling at this stranger's feet, I can't speak. He smirks at me and pushes a stray piece of hair behind my left ear. His fingers barely graze my earlobe, but the electricity I feel causes my senses to jolt to life. I gaze into his eyes to hopefully see some form of reaction in them, maybe a signal that he felt the same.

I think I see his eyes narrow slightly, but the expression is gone just as quickly as it appeared. He hands my class schedule back to me and smirks.

"I know you're not mute, because you spoke a minute ago. Maybe you should go get your head checked." He chuckles and turns away, leaving me standing there like an idiot. "See you around, Anastasia." He calls over his shoulder and unbelievably, he _winks_ at me.

I look down and see _ANASTASIA STEELE_ , written in big bold letters at the top of my schedule. Well, that answers one question. The bigger one I have at the moment is… _Who the hell_ is _that?_

…..

I made it to my Victorian Literature class with ten minutes to spare. I felt silly being so early, what if someone thought I was a grade grubber. _This is NYU Ana, not kindergarten._ I shake my head and choose a seat at the back. _Still better not push it._

I am just pulling out my notebooks, and my one textbook when I feel a breath of air stir the hairs around my cheeks. I look up in time to see a girl with strawberry blonde hair and beautiful green eyes standing next to me.

"Hey!" She smiles enthusiastically at me. "Is anyone sitting here?" She gestures to the obviously empty seats on either side of me.

I've never been much good with human interaction, I'm awkward a lot of the time and I often prefer to sit on my window seat in my room with a good book instead of socialize. For whatever reason, this girl's general demeanor makes her feel like safer territory.

"No," I smile and gesture to the chair on my left that she is standing in front of, "Take a seat."

The curvy, strawberry blonde sits down and noisily stars arranging her books, various pens and… _Her cellphone?_

She flips her long hair over her shoulder, almost hitting me in the face, and extends one perfectly manicured hand in my direction. "My name's Kate." She says matter-of-factly.

"I'm Ana," I say, shaking her hand.

"You don't look like you're from here, Ana." Her eyes bore into mine, almost looking into my soul. It's making me uncomfortable. This girl is like one of those creepy reporters.

"You have a good eye. I'm actually looking to get into a career in journalism first." She smiles at my horrified look. _Way to go, Ana._

"I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean to- It's just that it's my first day here and I missed my first class because I ran into this wannabe Calvin Klein model, and I'm so- so-"

"Ana, take a breath. I like honest people. I think you and I are going to be great friends." She winks at me as the professor comes in and shuts off the front two sets of lights, beginning her lecture as she walks. "We're having lunch together," Kate leans in and whispers to me, "You're going to dish on this delicious sounding man." I giggle under my breath.

"Is there a particularly funny joke in which you would like to share with the rest of the class?" The professor, a petite woman with curly hair, dressed in a very conservative grey and black stripped pantsuit, is looking right at me.

"No, Professor Vanrays. I-I'm sorry." I feel my face heating up with a blush, and I look down at my hands as every single set of eyes looks in my direction.

"I see. Miss-?" She gestures at me, and I look up.

"Steele." I say, barely above a whisper. _This is so humiliating._

"Well, Miss Steele. Perhaps we can continue with our analysis of _Wuthering Heights_? I'm assuming you read it, as I received your essay. It was very sharply worded, as I recall you received the only A Plus grade I had given out in five years or so." I blush even deeper. _Grade grubber status officially confirmed._

"In any case, I have very high hopes for you. Please consider your future." Professor Vanrays takes a moment to push her thick black rimmed glasses up on her nose. "Now, Miss Robinson, please continue."

The Miss Robinson in question shoots me a searing look with her bright blue eyes, before flipping her long, platinum blonde hair over her shoulder and continuing.

 _Who the hell is that?_ I wonder as Kate, shoves a small note in front of me. **I'M SORRY** _,_ it reads and I smile at her to let her know that we are still on good terms.

I think for a few minutes, after failing to comprehend the argument the icy blonde was attempting to make. I quietly rip a small page out of my note book and write back to Kate. **_MISS ROBINSON?_** I carefully pass the note to her and she puts her cellphone in her lap.

She chews on the end of her pen as she thinks for a minute and then starts writing quite fast. It takes her a minute, but I receive a longer response than what I was originally hoping for:

 **ELENA ROBINSON. YOUNGER SISTER OF TRAVIS ROBINSON. THEIR WHOLE FAMILY IS RUMORED TO NOT ONLY RUN DRUGS, BUT HAVE CLOSE TIES TO THE CARTEL TOO. BAD NEWS, ANA. STAY OUT OF HER WAY.**


	4. Chapter 4

A/N:

So, Happy 420 people. Instead of getting high, I decided to post a new chapter! I know what you're all thinking, "about fucking time." I completely agree with you all. Anyway... Enjoy! PLEASE REVIEW!

Kay, thanks. :)

 _No pain_  
 _Inside_  
 _You're like perfection_  
 _How do I feel this good sober_

Chapter Four:

My favorite class of the day ends after a full hour of listening to Professor Vanrays rant on and on about character developments and plot analysis. I tried my absolute best to concentrate, but I couldn't get rid of the ice cold feeling that kept creeping under my skin every single time Elena Robinson looked my way. And she did. Often.

I found myself glancing at the clock every five minutes, willing time to speed up. It was an action that I had never before permitted myself to do. I never wanted my concentration to waver. I didn't want to miss a single word of any lesson that was being taught. Now, because of Elena Robinson, I found myself developing a bad habit, and I was doing it... often.

As soon as we were dismissed, I all but ran out of the classroom, not wanting to have a confrontation with some perfect platinum blonde that for some reason unknown to me, hated my guts. I practically ran down the halls, not caring if I had no idea where my next class was.

"ANA! Wait up!" I winced at how loud Kate had screamed, but I didn't slow down, "Ana for fuck sakes woman, you look like a psycho!" That got me to stop in my tracks.

Kate ran up to me, panting for breath. "What the hell was all that?"

"I can't handle that… person." I bite out through my teeth, choking back the word I had actually wanted to use to describe Elena. _Bitch_

"Look, bitches be bitches." Kate smirks. "I should know. Takes one to know one." She winks at me and I smile, already feeling better. "Besides, Elena is definitely NOT a natural blonde. I mean, look at those roots."

The girl in question walks by at the right moment and pulls a very audible breath through her teeth. Her face is visibly red when Kate turns to her, "Oh I'm sorry, Sweetie. I didn't see you there."

"Thanks," I whisper in Kate's ear as we walk away from the embarrassed Ice Queen, "I needed that."

"Anytime, Babe." She reaches out her hand. "Give me your cellphone and I can program my number into it for you. Everyone needs a friend. Or you know, in your case, a rescue squad for when you embarrass yourself."

I laugh out loud, reaching into my pocket and pulling out my phone. "You're pretty great."

"I know." Kate shrugs and hands me back my phone after a few seconds. "Where's your next class. I'll walk you, seeing as how it's your first damn day and you're already attracting all sorts of attention."

"I don't need a baby sitter." I narrow my eyes.

She shakes her head, "I'm no good with kids. I just want to be your arm candy." She says laughing.

"Fair enough," I mumble as she links her arm through mine and we start walking off towards my Anthropology class.

"That's what best friends are for."

"So, as my best friend, are you going to eat lunch with me?" I laugh and it feels good. It makes the darkness fall away. It grounds me to the here and now. I can't remember ever laughing this much.

"You bet, Klutz."

I smile as I walk into Anthropology.

….

The next three hours pass by in a blur of various syllabi, expectations, and lectures. I had successfully made it through the rest of my morning without making an even bigger fool of myself. _Thank god._

Kate has her arm casually looped through mine as we walk through the cafeteria line. I grab a small plate of salad, a carton of chocolate milk, and a small dish of what I think must be chocolate pudding. I put it on my tray as I listen to Kate ramble on and on about how _sexy_ her Roman History professor is.

The cafeteria is crowded and noisy. I can feel myself slowly going into sensory overload, and my legs stop moving, causing Kate to jerk backwards.

"It's a lot to take in, isn't it?" She looks at me with warmth in her eyes.

I don't trust myself to speak without a pathetic crack in my voice, so I nod vigorously instead.

"Come on, I know the perfect place that we can go."

She pulls me along, out the cafeteria doors and into a beautiful courtyard. I feel my heartbeat begin to slow as I breathe in the crisp September air. It feels good, _so refreshing._

We walk over to a bench that is sitting in a spot of pale sunlight. I glance around the courtyard and see that it is beautifully kept with flowers that are somehow still vibrant, and trees with multi-colored leaves.

"Thank you, Kate." I smile, "It's beautiful out here."

"I know!" Kate beams at me, "I once had this thing with a guy who is part of the garden club." She winks at me.

"A thing?" I smirk, "I think you mean you had sex."

She laughs her high wind chime laugh, "Once. We had sex once. It doesn't matter though, he still showed me this place. It's great because no one ever thinks to come out here. It's great for studying, and stuff."

"Well thanks for showing it to me." I smile at her.

"Don't mention it."

We spend the next twenty or so minutes talking about our mornings and how we think our classes will go for the rest of the semester. Kate asks me if I can help her with English essays and I happily agree.

Conversation is kept light, and surprisingly comfortable. _That's how it's supposed to be with a best friend. Don't scare her away with all of your crazy._

"Ana, did you hear what I just said?" Kate waves her hand in front of my face, attempting to gain my attention.

"Sorry, I was just thinking." I frown, "What did you say?"

"I asked you to tell me what happened this morning when you tripped in front of that guy?" She grins at me like the Cheshire cat, "Or, were you already thinking of him?"

"I was actually thinking about best friends, and back home." I sigh, and quickly change the subject because I don't really feel like getting into the reason why my mom and I uprooted our entire lives in two weeks and moved to the Big Apple. I turn towards her, placing my back to the cafeteria doors in order to concentrate on my friend, and attempt to distract her from asking personal questions that I am definitely not ready to answer yet.

There's really not much to tell about him," I scrunch my nose up, "He was just some guy who probably thinks he could give men like Ryan Gosling a run for their money."

"You think Ryan Gosling is hot?" Kate's eyes are wide with glee.

"Yeah, don't you?"

"Uh, most definitely." Kate laughs, "I think we just solidified out friendship Miss Steele."

"Well, I'm glad you agree with my taste in men." I laugh.

"Oh, and what is your taste in men, Miss Steele." A low and familiar husky voice comes from behind me.

Kate's eyes widen to the point where I think they are going to blow out of her skull. " _Oh shit…"_ She mouths the words to me, and I put my index finger to my lips as a signal to keep her lips shut.

I slowly turn around and face the wannabe model for the second time today, "Don't you have anything better to do, than stalk me?" I try to make my voice sound offended, but I sound breathless instead. _Pathetic._

"Actually, I go to school here and pay my tuition like a good boy. So I'm entitled to be in this particular area whenever I damn well feel like it. His voice has an edge to it, but his captivating eyes are dancing with mirth. _Is he flirting with me?_

 _Play it cool…_ "So, you think you're Mr. Big Shot, and can get away with plowing people over in the mornings and making them miss class?"

"If that was on my agenda. Yes." He smirks and bends down so his eyes are level with my own, "But we both know that you're the klutz that fell at my feet, Anastasia."

"Well if _you_ would have been watching where you were going-"

"If _you_ wouldn't have dropped your papers all over the ground, forcing me to pick them up because I am the _perfect gentleman_ , we both could have made it to class." He cuts me off, smirking crookedly and showing off his amazingly white teeth.

"I guess we'll have to try again tomorrow."

"We could try again tomorrow, but you'll probably just drop at the sight of my gorgeously handsome face again. You're the least graceful angel I've ever met."

"What a fucking line." Kate pipes in, laughing and making me jump in the process. I had almost forgotten that she was even beside me. I've never let a boy, _a man_ distract me like this before. _Another first._

The Calvin Klein model gets back to his feet, "Oh, Kate. I almost didn't see you there." He winks.

"Leave my best friend alone, Christian." Her voice has lost its playful tone. "She's too good for you." My eyes widen at the mention of his name. _How does Kate know him?_

The model, _Christian_ 's _,_ eyes darken to a dangerous shade. They are deep pools, full of shadows and sharp pain. He looks at me, for a few seconds, before locking gazes with Kate, and I feel my heart break for him.

"I'm sure Anastasia can decide for herself whether or not she wants anything to do with me." He holds her gaze for what must be close to a minute before breaking the silent communication between the two of them.

"I'll see you around, Angel." He winks at me, but the playful gesture doesn't reach his eyes.

"My name's Ana." I call after him.

"I know," He says, glancing over his shoulder, "but you're so beautiful and full of light, you can't be anything but an Angel." My heart skips a beat. _What?_

" _What a fucking douchebag"_ I vaguely hear Kate whisper beside me as we both watch Christian walk back into the cafeteria.

"What the hell was that all about?" I turn to Kate.

"You could have told me that it was Christian _fucking_ Grey that you ran into this morning." She is visibly fuming, the anger rolling off of her in waves.

"I-I'm sorry." I mumble. "He never told me his name."

"Ana, I'm only going to say this once." She takes a deep breath in, "Stay the hell away from Christian Grey."

"Wh-"

"Don't ask." She runs her perfectly manicured hands down her face. "Someday, I might fill you in, but right now, I really don't want to talk about it."

"Okay." I say softly. "I could really go for a latte," I try to change the subject. "Walk with me, I think we can make it there before our next classes start."

Kate enthusiastically agrees and grabs my arm. We head into the cafeteria to drop off our dirty lunch trays, and I catch a glimpse of Christian, attached to non-other than Elena Robinson's lips.

 _Oh fuck._


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five:

I walk through the loud cafeteria, straight for my usual table complete with the usual suspects. I feel almost overwhelmed by an assault of various food smells, and a thousand different conversations going on at once. I glance at some of the meals, and it looks like mystery meat was on the menu again today. _Glad I didn't eat..._ The room feels stinking hot after being outside in the cool September breeze.

I find myself contemplating how it's probably one of the hardest things I've ever done; walking away from Ana after she was looking at me _like that_. Something about her tells me that she's a broken thing; a little bird that fell from the nest and was abandoned. _Give your fucking head a shake, bud._

And that's just what I do. I already have women problems as it is. I'm thinking of Elena, of course. I had almost forgotten about her for a second, which was a bad fucking move on my part. If I hurt her, even the slightest, she would go to Travis and tell him some bullshit that would get me beaten near death, if not a damn _welcome home_ card from the devil himself.

I almost laugh at that thought, the Grim Reaper, holding his bloody synth and handing me a sparkly card with flames on it while the Devil himself opens the gates to Hell for me. I'm grinning like a complete fuck-face, when I suddenly feel someone slap me _hard_ on the back. _OOOOHF_

The air expels from my lungs in a huge huff of air, "What the fuck!" I gasp, sounding breathless; dick-less, even. A thought that makes me wince even more.

"BRO, you're such a player." Jeremy, another guy from the crew that Travis runs, bellows into my ear.

 _Shit. Play cool._ "Duh fuck you talking about, Jer?" I laugh what I think is an easy going laugh.

"Oh, you know. We saw you out there flirting it up with the new girl." He smirks. "You were wheeling her pretty hard man."

"I was not flirting." I cross my arms and stare coldly into his eyes, trying to get him to back off.

"So I can have her?" He laughs with the rest of the guys that we usually hang around with on campus, "cause her ass is tight."

I start to see red, something I never do. I'm as guilty as any of the other guys standing next to me, for thinking that women are objects to satisfy my lust. It's been my method for not getting close to anyone. "She's unavailable." I reply, my voice harder than I meant it to be.

"Oh shit. Is that why you came back here without a number, looking like someone chopped your balls off? Adam pipes in from his place beside Jeremy at the table.

This not only pisses me right the fuck off, but it also makes my heart hurt in a weird way that I haven't experienced before. I really wanted to get to know Anastasia.

 _Why the fuck didn't she offer me her number?_ I've never had to ask a woman to give me their number before. They usually just give it to me after I turn on my irresistible charm. _Apparently, not so irresistible._

I decide that the best thing to do is turn the conversation away from Ana. "Even with no balls, they're still bigger than yours." I smirk, and punch Adam hard in the shoulder, which makes me feel better as I watch him wince and rub his arm. My comment launches a discussion about whose balls are bigger, and other stupid shit.

Grateful that they aren't bugging me about Ana, my thoughts turn toward her. What the hell was she doing in a big city? Everything about her screams "small town". What was she running from? More importantly, why the fuck did she look at me like she wanted to eat me alive one minute, and then switch to one of the most guarded expressions I had ever seen.

I shake my head again, trying to erase the insane thoughts that are swirling around my brain. I lean casually against the wall beside the table and I even participate in the comfortable conversation that is going on between the guys.

I'm zoning in and out of the conversation when Jeremy leans over and whispers in my ear, "Look out, little sister, incoming." He uses the code word for Travis' little sister that we all came up with over 2 years ago.

My good mood takes a sudden nosedive as I see Elena swiftly walking towards our table. She's wearing a bright red skirt and a black button up shirt that really brings out her tits. She looks dangerous like an angry snake, as she glides through the crowded cafeteria, her eyes shooting lasers into my own. I vaguely wonder that the hell I did to piss her off, and what I can do to fix it before she tattles to her brother and gets me shit-kicked.

I'm expecting an angry lecture, or the silent treatment, but she runs straight into my arms and lays her head on my chest, squeezing me tight. I clear my throat, "Umm.. You good?" I fight the urge to push her away from me. I hate public displays of affection, especially with girls that I don't have an emotional attachment to.

She pulls away to look me in the eyes, and I see rage swimming in the depth of hers. "No. I'm not good. That stupid bitch, Kate and her stupid new girl bitch friend were complete fucking bitches to me this morning." She pouts.

I bite my lip to keep my laughter inside, but the guys around the table aren't so smart. "So I guess you can say you've been having a bitch of a day, huh?" Jeremy booms laughter loud enough to make the next two tables turn and look at us. _Great._

"Hey, wait. The "new bitch," is her name Anastasia?" Adam smirks.

"Yeah." Elena sulks, "but she goes by Ana or something stupid. She looks like a fucking mouse."

"NO shit!" Jeremy bellows, "The same Ana that you were flirting with not even five minutes ago, Chris?!" My heart sinks, and I feel Elena stiffen in my arms.

"Have you been drinking?" I try to make a joke of the situation.

"Dude, you can't pretend it didn't happen." Adam smirks, "It won't make the rejection go away."

I mentally kick myself. Why the hell did everyone on this stupid fucking planet have to get all up in my person business? I bite my tongue so hard I can taste blood. Getting mad at Jer and Adam wouldn't be the best thing. They didn't know that Elena and I were sleeping together, and I did _not_ want to open that messy can of worms.

I feel a tingle in my spine, and from experience I know that means that Ana is nearby. I hate that this happens to me. I hate that she affects me so fucking much. I can't help but glance at the door to the courtyard, and watch her walk through the door.

Her long brown hair has copper highlights from the sunlight and her eyes sparkle with determination. I can't help myself as I run my eyes up and down the length of her. I drink in her gorgeous body. I silently will Ana to look my way; I just want to get lost in her amazing green eyes again.

Although, Elena has other plans it seems, as she practically jumps on me and melds her lips to my own. I can't help but open my eyes and look at Ana. We made eye contact for what must have been five seconds, but it sure as shit felt like five long, unbearable minutes.

A multitude of emotions cross her face, surprise, hatred, anger, and one that really doesn't sit well in my stomach: disgust. _Great._ She shakes her head so slightly, that I could have imagined it, before she walks away. She doesn't look back.

Elena pulls away from me, a satisfied smirk on her angelic face.

"Uhh… Are we fucking missing something?" Jer's voice pulls me from Ana, and makes Elena step slowly away from me.

"Oh yeah!" Elena chirps brightly. "We've been fucking for almost a week now." She smiles a dangerously sexy smile, and looks at me. Her eyes are glowing, and she looks like she's accomplished a mission. Suddenly, I know that she meant for Ana to see her kiss me.

Elena winks at me, and practically glides away from the table, flipping her long blonde hair over her shoulder. She's almost out the cafeteria doors when she looks over her shoulder and blows me a kiss. Something in her icy blues, tells me that I'm in a huge fuck-ton of trouble later.

 _Can of disgustingly messy worms, officially open. Fuck me._

"What the fuck did I just watch?" Adam breathes.

"You heard the sister." Jer slaps me on the back, bringing me back to the here and now, "Our brother here is fucking her pretty little brains out."

"Yeah, I guess I am." I sigh, running my hand down my face.

"How the fuck did that happen?" Adam asks.

"He obviously drugged her." Some asshole practically yelled. I feel my fists clench at my sides. I didn't see who spoke, but I was going to beat the shit out of him.

Adam and Jer must sense my anger because Adam grabs my arm and drags me away from the scene into the courtyard. We sit on the same bench where Ana and Kate were sitting only minutes before. "Look man, I don't know what the fuck you're thinking." Adam runs his hands through his hair. "Does Travis know?"

"No." I manage to keep the anger out of my tone. "But he probably will now."

"No kidding. Who the fuck knew Elena was such a possessive bitch." Jer claps me on the back and smirks at me. "She better be a whore in the bedroom, man."

"Oh yeah. She's a whore alright." I say grimly.

"You realize you can't get out of this, right?" Adam sits on the bench beside me.

"Thanks for reminding me, man." I mutter.

"He's right. If she tells Trav, he'll expect you to stay with her." Jer states the obvious like it wouldn't matter if I hurt Elena and got jumped out of the crew because of it.

I stand up and pace. How the hell did shit get so fucked up in five fucking minutes? How can one person fall at my feet and cause me this much frustration. What the hell was I going to do if Elena decided she wanted to make my life hell, and tell Travis that I fucked his baby sister?

For the first time in 2 years, I felt my heart break all over again. I wanted my mom. She would know what to do. She would know what I should say to Ana. She would be able to help me figure this shit out. Of course, if she was still here I wouldn't need to figure any of this shit out. But if she was still here, I probably wouldn't have met Ana.

I can't take the whirlwind of confusion, and frustration that is swirling around in my brain. I punch the concrete bench where I was just sitting. I punch it 5 times, until the knuckles on my right hand are bleeding and I am out of breath.

"Feel better, dude?" Adam cautiously says.

"Yeah, sorry." I mutter.

"Dude, class is for losers." Jer punches me lightly in the arm, "Let's fuck off and get high."

I agree enthusiastically and we head off to my apartment where I get higher than fucking Mount Everest. I get so high I can't feel my body. I get so high I can't think. I get so high I don't see my mom's body bleeding out on the floor. I get so high that I no longer care if Elena tells Travis that I fucked her and I get kicked out of my surrogate family. I get so motherfucking high, but I still can't erase the look of disgust that I saw on Anastasia Steele's face.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N:  
So... In honor of my birthday, I decided I would upload this chapter earlier than I had originally expected. Let me know what you think!

 _"I'm friends with the Monster that's under my bed; get along with the voices inside of my head. You're trying to save me, stop holding your breath." -Monster (Eminem feat. Rihanna)_

Chapter Six:

It's been a week since I saw that look on Ana's beautiful face, and I had been stung right the fuck out since then because I hadn't seen her anywhere. Not even in our psychology class. _She dropped out of it to get away from you, Tool._

If I didn't hear Elena bitch about her almost every lunch hour, I would have thought that she had dropped off the face of the Earth.

It didn't help matters that I was always on the lookout for Travis to come barreling into my personal space so that he could kick the shit out of me and tell me to hit the road like the piece of shit I am for sleeping with his baby sister. I fully expected that moment to come, but it still hadn't.

Elena had gone back to acting almost normal. She had even gotten slightly clingy, often spending lunch with me and the crew in the cafeteria, sitting on my lap like the pretty little bitch that she is.

We were still fucking, but I figured that was okay because it gave me the release I needed. I just closed my eyes and let my mind go blank. _If thinking about Ana, is letting your mind go blank._

"Right, Chris?" I jump like a three year old, with his hand in the cookie jar, after I feel Elena's bony elbow dig into my rib cage.

"What's that, Babe?"

"You weren't even fucking listening to me, where you?" Her eyes darken.

 _Shit. Time to make a quick save bud._

"Sorry babe. I was thinking about last night." I squeeze her ass, and kiss her cheek.

She giggles like a fucking school girl and lets whatever it was that I missed, drop like it didn't actually mean anything at all. Which was probably the case anyway.

She continues talking to the rest of the crew around the table we are all clustered around.

It's Friday and the sun is shining outside, making the day feel more like July than September. The grass is still a vibrant green and the leaves are starting to change colors, it's beautiful. I stare at a bird hopping around on the grass outside the window, probably looking for food. My stomach aches at the thought of food; I haven't eaten more than a piece of toast this morning.

I wince as Elena shrieks with laughter as she moves from my lap to a now empty chair, next to me. I think about how it's getting harder to put up with her shit. More and more I find myself only being able to tolerate her for long periods of time when she was naked and in my bed. And yet, I still did my best to appease her, because the last thing I wanted was to get my head kicked in by Travis.

I feel my mood begin to darken. In a perfect world, I would just tell Trav because I would _know_ that he'd be okay with it. Why couldn't he just be that guy that would look at me, laugh and say some bullshit about how his sister was a tramp any way and it wasn't my fault. He was supposed to be my brother; my family.

 _Your family died from a gunshot wound to the head, fuck nuts. You held her head in your lap, and felt her cold skin when you closed her eyes because you couldn't stand the way she was staring up at you like you failed her. You went out with your stupid friend while she died all alone on the fucking kitchen floor._

I feel the hot tears coming on, along with the shakes that accompany the building self-hatred that boils to life in the pit of my stomach. I quickly stand to my feet, "I'm out." I say stiffly

"Where are you going, baby?" Elena pouts.

"I need to take a walk." My voice sounds thick and I hate myself for letting my emotions show.

"Are you okay, baby?" She reaches out to me and I take a step back.

"What are you, his mom?" Some kid from the far side of the table pipes in.

"No, his mom threw him in a dumpster!" Another asshole shouts out.

I can't help my sudden outburst, "Actually, my mom was murdered. She fucking bled to death on the kitchen floor." I let the words slide from between my teeth, putting all of the malice I can muster into the sentence. I glare daggers into anyone willing to make eye contact with me. They all look shocked, and suddenly I'm glad I'm usually not into sharing my life story.

"Excuse me." I mutter.

I hear Elena suck in a breath. _Oops, did I open another can of worms again?_

I bite my tongue to keep the sudden burst of laughter inside my body. If I laughed now, people would think I was completely insane. _Aren't you?_

That thought makes it fucking impossible to keep the laughter inside any longer, and I rush out into the courtyard and double over hard with laughter. My lungs hurt and tears are streaming down my face but I can't stop laughing. _Why am I so completely fucked up?_

I finally calm down enough to start breathing normally. The sun is warm on my back and I decide that my next class can wait, as I take a seat on the same bench where Ana was sitting a week ago; that day when she looked at me like I was a worthless piece of garbage.

"Fuck." I whisper, leaning forward with my elbows on my knees. I run my hands through my hair. I had no idea what it was about Ana, but she was different. _You say that to all the pretty girls._ Except, I didn't. I couldn't because I didn't want anyone to get too attached to me. Or maybe I just didn't want to get attached to anyone because of the way my mom left me. I _really_ had to stop taking psychology courses. They were turning me into a pussy.

I let myself soak in the warm sunlight, it sinks into my bones and muscles. I feel my tense body beginning to loosen. I can't remember the last time I sat in the sun like this, and for the first time in two years, I feel myself genuinely smile about something so simple as a few rays of sunlight and a few chirping birds.

I let my guard down, lean back and close my eyes. This is peaceful. I don't know why I stopped spending time out here.The gardening club was one of my hobbies, and a great way to meet chicks that weren't afraid to get dirty. I smirk to myself and remember the first time I met Kate. I had walked in on her when she was getting it on with Aubrey, a shit dick of a guy I barely knew from the gardening club.

I ended up kicking his ass for her after he stood her up no less than six fucking times. We went for ice cream after and talked for hours about our obsessions with stupid movies and music.

Man, had things completely fallen apart since then. Kate and I had been good friends. Best friends. Which was weird for me because I was such a player and never got to know any of my conquests well enough to consider them friends.

Kate and I never had anything romantic though. We set those boundaries early. We got each other's humor and stupid quirks. She was probably one of the best friends I ever had. Then my mom died and I stopped doing everything that was good for me.

I quit the gardening club because I was too depressed to leave my bedroom, and Travis probably would have stopped talking to me if he found out I was that big of a pussy.

I quit talking to Kate because she could see right through me. She tried to get me to stop hanging out with Travis; she didn't like him from the moment she met him. Said he was a bad influence on me and that my mom would hate knowing that I was spending time with "the wrong crowd".

She was right of course, but I couldn't fucking tell her that, so I started dodging her calls and messages. I avoided her in class and never went anywhere that I knew she would be. I didn't want to witness the: _I'm disappointed in you_ look.

I sigh loudly and sit forward with my forehead in my hands. Staring at the ground I feel the darkness of depression sliding over me like a familiar blanket. _Fuck me._

"Hey, there you fucking are Man!" I look up to see one of my buddies walking towards me.

"Hey, Kev." I nod in his direction and stuff my girly feelings back in the box in my mind where they belong. "Sup?"

"Chris, there's this party tomorrow night." He smirks. "We can't have fun without the goods ya know." He slaps me on the back.

"What do you want me to bring?" I say, thinking that I should probably get myself out there so I can make enough money to pay next month's rent.

"You know, the usual." He passes me a piece of paper with an address scribbled on it, "party starts at eight."

"Dealer's choice then?" I mumble, not really expecting Kevin to hear me.

His loud laughter reverberates off the brick walls, nearly causing me to shit my pants. "That's a good one dude." He claps me on the back before he walks back into the cafeteria.

"Guess I better get back to the real world." I mutter to myself.

…..

It's eight-thirty and I'm walking slowly up the steps to an older-than-God, looking house. I can hear bass pumping from the lawn and I mentally brace myself for the headache that is sure to assault my poor fucking brain the minute I walk through that door.

I walk up the crumbling stone steps to the front door, and nod at Benny, who is standing guard at the door like usual.

Most people think he's some kind of serial killer because he's ripped like a body builder and covered in fucking scars and tats like a biker. He's unusually quiet and likes to creep people out by watching their every move. Word is that Travis took him in off the streets after he got out of the slammer for killing his abusive old man.

No one really knows, though. Fuck, _all_ I know is that he has contacts everywhere and knows almost every dirty little secret about anyone and everyone. I'd imagine that he'd be a fucking force to be reckoned with if anyone was on his bad side.

"Hey, Benny." I say in greeting.

He only nods at me and opens the door for me. I'm not worried though, he doesn't talk much.

Just as I suspected, the party is thumping. Loud new-age hip-hop is blasting from speakers strategically placed all over the house, and the bass is so heavy, I think I feel my heart skipping beats.

I notice right away that someone has brought cheap, rotten weed to this party and the main living room reeks of it. "Fuck…" I mutter to myself under my breath. I guess I'd better get to making my rounds before someone tells someone else that the shitty weed came from me. _Cause that would be GREAT for business…_

I talk to a few of my regulars; they aren't hard to spot and they buy enough drugs to fuck up a small village from me. In half an hour I've already made enough for the next two month's rent.

After walking into a room, that I thought was the bathroom, and seeing three people connected in ways that I never thought possible; I decided that it was past time for a good stiff drink.

I walk into the main living area and walk over to the makeshift bar area that I had seen when I first walked in. My skin is tingling, and I'm not sure if it's the line that I snorted in the bathroom, when I finally found it, or if it's because _she_ is somewhere near. I shake my head. _Ana isn't the dirty house party type._

I grab one of those fucking cheap red plastic cups and fill it with a mix of cheap whiskey and no-name cola.

"Isn't that shit nasty?"

I look up and see a guy, around my age, standing next to me. I looks like he same straight out if an ad for Harvard Business School.

"Yup," I shrug, "But beggars can't be choosers, or whatever."

"I hear you." He smiles and flashes his designer smile, extending a smooth hand towards me.

I fight the urge to vomit and shake the hand of this guy who wouldn't know what hard work was if it hit him in his Ken Doll face with a fucking sledge hammer. "What brings you here?" I say, hinting at the fact that I know he isn't from here.

"Do I really stick out that bad?" He smirks, "My cousin, Kate invited me here."

I choke on my shitty drink, "Kate, _who_?"

He claps me on the back and points behind me. "She's just over there. She said if I came with her to this party, she'd set me up with-"

"Ana." I breathe, just as she turns around and locks eyes with me.


	7. Chapter 7

_"Well I know when you're around cause I know the sound, I know the sound of your heart."-The Sound, The 1975_

 _Chapter Seven:_

I lock eyes with Christian as soon as I feel eyes on the back of my head. I can't help but turn around and instantly I wish I hadn't because the gasp I let out is so loud, I feel like everyone within a ten mile radius turns and looks at my shocked expression.

"What the _HELL_ is he doing here?" Kate hisses beside me.

"I don't know." I shrug, trying to appear composed even though my heart is galloping in my chest and my palms are sweaty. I blush three times darker than the bright red lipstick I'm wearing. I try, again, to yank down the ridiculously short gold dress that Kate managed to shove me into before we came to this stupid party. I feel completely out of place in this overcrowded house. The bass from the DJ's sound booth is making my insides feel like they are quaking, and the smell of beer and sweat are making me feel sick. Not for the first time that night, I wish I was curled up in my new window seat in my NYU sweatpants and a comfy blanket, reading a classic novel. Instead, I agreed to let Kate give me her version of a makeover.

…..

I couldn't believe what I saw in the mirror, when Kate finally let me look. _Harlot,_ was the word that popped into my head when I saw the thick makeup and wildly voluminous hair.

"Oh Ana," Kate breathed out and clapped her hands, "You look drop dead gorgeous!"

"I'm glad you're delighted, Kate." I scowl, "Just don't let my mother see me like this, she'll lock me away in a tower or something." I attempt a peel of laughter, but it sounds hollow and fake even to my own ears.

"Ana, please don't worry. You look great and tonight is all about having fun, and celebrating. Remember?" Kate's eyes plead with me not to bail on her, and I've never really had friends before. Maybe this is my chance.

"Okay, can we get going before I change my mind?" I mutter and shoot Kate the most genuine smile I can manage.

"Yeah! We just need to stop on the way and pick up my cousin." She smirks at me, "He's going to absolutely drool over you in that dress."

"I hope not," I mutter, "It doesn't exactly leave anything to the imagination, does it?"

"Oh honey, at least we know you have an ass and a great pair of tits." She laughs as I gasp and cover my mouth. I'm blushing hard. "You're so innocent, Ana. Don't let anyone change that." She laughs as she grabs my arm and pulls me from her room and into a cab waiting outside.

When we pick up Kate's cousin a few minutes later, I am pleasantly surprised by him. His eyes are warm blue, like the Caribbean Sea, and were gentle when he introduced himself. _Not at all like Christian's wild and stormy grey eyes._ His lips were soft and warm as he kissed my hand like a proper gentleman.

"Hello, my name is David." His voice is deep and gravelly, it does things to my insides and I blush.

"I-I'm…" I stutter and blush even harder as he kisses my hand. "I mean, my name's Anastasia." I finally choke out. "Please call me Ana." I try to smile but I'm almost positive it comes out as a grimace of pain. I'm clearly not good at meeting new people. Especially not incredibly hot men.

David turns to Kate, "Where have you been hiding this one? She's much too pretty to be seen with you." He winks at me, laughter swimming in his eyes.

Kate laughs and gently punches her cousin in the arm. "Shut up, and drop the act, you and I both know you are only pretending to be a polite guy. Ana doesn't let guys like you into her panties on the first date."

I gasp, shocked at Kate's words. "What the-"

"I believe she's trying to be funny." David laughs along with Kate.

"Oh." I mutter and again, wish that I would have stayed home, or that there was a hole I could fall down and disappear into… forever.

"Come on you two, we have to get to the party!" Kate is practically vibrating as she jumps into the far side of the cab, forcing me to sit in the middle seat between her and David.

After a few minutes, and more than a few unsuccessful attempts to yank the gold scrap of clothing Kate calls a dress, down past my knees, I feel David's warm breath at my ear and his gravelly voice causes goosebumps to cover my arms and legs. It's not an altogether unpleasant feeling. "I'm sorry that Kate is forcing you out tonight. You'd don't seem very comfortable, but you do look beautiful. I'm glad you decided to come out, it's better than me chasing after her alone."

He pulls away and gives me a warm and genuine smile, and I feel a little bit of my anxiety leave my body. Maybe David is an okay guy. He certainly looks like one considering he's wearing a black V-neck t-shirt, and jeans that are expertly worn out. His hair is sandy blonde and combed back from his forehead. He looks like he might be on the cover of a magazine advertising for Harvard Business School. _He's the kind of guy I should be attracted to, not Christian Grey._

We arrive at the house and I am instantly disgusted. There are beer cans and red plastic cups scattered all over the front lawn. There are several groups of people scattered around the porch, and on the side walk. As soon as I get out of the cab, the smell of beer, vomit and marijuana assault my nose. I stagger on the black pumps Kate made me wear and David reaches out and snakes his arm around my waist, attempting to steady me.

The extra momentum causes me to lean into him and to my surprise, I find that I don't mind being this close to him. He is warm and surprisingly muscular. He also smells like… _cinnamon and sugar?_ It's delightful and I find myself looking up, wanting to catch a glimpse of his amazingly sculpted jaw.

I find that he is already staring at me, his eyes deep pools of cool blue water that are doing anything but calming me down. My heart starts to beat – a relentless hummingbird trapped in my chest. "New legs?" He smirks at me and I swear my knees go weak. _Give your head a shake, Ana._

"Oh… I'm sorry." I mumble, attempting a step out of this awkward embrace with a man that I have only just met. I instantly miss the warmth of his body being so close to mine. The September air is cool on my bare arms.

"Come on you two. We have to get inside," Kate it motioning to the front door where an extremely muscular guy is standing, "I have the text message invite, so stick behind me." Kate smirks when she sees me staring, opened mouthed at the tattooed, and pierced bear by the door.

"Don't worry," David's voice sounds in my ear, again igniting goosebumps down my arms, "I'll help you walk so you don't fall down. You're quite the klutz, as I'm sure you're already aware."

I turn around to smack him for thinking I need his help, because I don't thank you very much. But when I whirl around, I trip over my own two feet. I would have fallen on my butt in front of this stupid party, in this stupid dress, with these _stupid_ shoes on my feet, except David, like some kind of guardian angel, scoops me up in his arms before I can humiliate myself even further.

"I um…" My sentence trails off as I stare into his eyes.

"You're quite the mess tonight." He chuckles, deep and throaty. I watch with fascination as his Adam's apple bobs up and down. "You're quite gorgeous with that blush on your cheeks all the time." His voice impossibly begins to sound smoother, sexier somehow. His eyes lock with my own, and I realize there is an unspoken question in their depths.

He is leaning in, and I know that he is going to try and kiss me. Half of my mind is screaming at me that I am acting like an idiot and this is how people end up in torture rooms and back alley ways, screaming and bleeding out.

The other half of me is feeling somewhere close to euphoric. There is an unfamiliar warmth spreading from my abdomen, and my heart is beating frantically. I've only kissed two boys before, once when I was thirteen and once at my high school prom night. Both times were with what I wold consider, little boys. Little boys who didn't make me feel even remotely close to how I feel right now. _Except when you were talking to Christian…_

David is definitely all man, and I deserve this. I owe it to myself to try and shake off the fear that hounds me around men. David has been nothing but kind to me since I met him. Even if it has been no more than half an hour since I first laid eyes on him…

 _Fuck it, what could go wrong?_ I close my eyes and wait for his warm lips to touch mine but they never do. "Ana, David, stop playing house and get your asses over here or you won't get into this party!" Kate yells, both amusement and I suspect, a hint of annoyance in her tone.

"I- um…" David stammers, and blushes as he sets me back on my feet, moving away a few inches from my side. "I'm sorry, Anastasia. I don't know what I was thinking." He won't meet my eyes.

"Um, that's okay. Thank you for not letting me fall." I try not to let his sudden attitude shift affect me. _What did I do wrong?_

 _"_ Well… shall we," He raises the corner of his lips in a casual smile and offers his arm to me. I take it gingerly, and relax slightly as he pulls me a little closer to his side.

"I guess we better go before she comes over here, huh?" My voice sounds strange to my ears.

"I guess we better." He agrees, nodding with his mouth set in a grim line. _He must hate these things about as much as I do._ The thought makes me feel a little better as we follow Kate, after showing the thug at the door her phone, through the open front door and into the impossibly crowded party.

I grab Kate's arm and pull her close to me so I can speak into her ear, "Do you know that guy? What kind of party is this? I shouldn't have come…" I trail off, trying not to panic as people in various stages of undress and drunkenness push and grind against me to the god-awful music coming from the DJ's booth. My head is already starting to pound.

"Ana," Kate grabs my head between her palms and turns me so I'm staring into her eyes, "it's okay." She smiles at me, "You're okay. I promise I wouldn't have brought you here if it wasn't safe." I slowly nod at her, not trusting myself to speak, but I can feel my heartrate starting to slow down.

"I'm going to get us some drinks," I hear David say into my ear, "what do you want?"

"I'll have a vodka and orange juice." Kate pipes in, loudly.

"What about you, Ana?" David's warm hand turns me to face him. "Can I get you a drink?" He smiles lopsided at me and the warmth in his eyes makes me feel a little calmer.

"I uh… I don't actually drink." I look at my feet, embarrassed over the fact that I can't even act normal at a party. I just don't want to not be in control of myself or my actions. That's how bad things happen to good people.

I feel gentle fingers under my chin as David pulls my eyes to meet his. I only see understanding in their depths. "It's okay. I can grab you a coke or something?"

Thankful that he didn't ask any awkward questions or make fun of me, I smile, "Thanks David that would be great."

I turn my attention back to Kate and listen to her ramble on, and on about how she used to hit up these parties all the time until shit hit the fan with Christian. She is quick to look at me and tell me again that I should stay away from him, and that he's no good for me.

I fight the urge to roll my eyes, "He's with Elena or whatever." I say dismissively and try to convince myself that the tremble in my voice is just due to the fact that I'm at a house party where I know exactly two people in the entire vicinity.

"Ana, you don't understand. I've seen him look at girls the way he looks at you." She sighs, "He's just looking to chase after some innocent women and make her a conquest."

"Well it's a good thing I'm not interested in him then, isn't it?" I raise one eyebrow at Kate and smirk. _I should have been an actress._

With the topic of Christian Grey securely put away for the night, I feel myself relax even more. I'm too uncoordinated to dance and I tell Kate as much, so we instead amuse ourselves by discussing the various people in the room. We make up imaginary back stories for each couple. It's extremely entertaining and I feel my guard slip a little until I begin to feel eyes staring into the back of my head. My skin tingles and my heartbeat begins to race.

 _Who is staring at me? It can't be…_ I whip around, I need to know if it's _him._ What I don't expect is to stare straight into the stormy grey eyes of Christian Grey. I see him soundlessly mouth my name and my heart constricts in my chest.


End file.
